I Am A Normal Human Being

I never knew how normal of a human being I was until the Holy Spirit have finally touched me and showed me my obsession and devotion to my false sense of self just like the rest of my fellow human beings.

What do I mean by a normal human being? Well...the insecure, triggered, boastful, jealous, full of desire, anxious, self centered kind.

It is interesting how we all seem to think that we are woken and the enlightened one and everyone else is asleep or part of the sheeple. 

But you see...when you think that you are so enlightened this actually means that you are not because it shows that you are still self centered...because a person who truly has woken up from his false sense of self drops all his ideas of being powerful and all knowing. 

He only sees how flawed he truly is all along...that his sense of self is the source of all of his sufferings.

This is my experience...I really  thought I was more awake spiritually than most people until experiencing my disgust for this self that I adored and worked on so hard to make this self kind, intelligent and one of a kind...I was suffering but didn't know why...I was doing all the right things...

I was reading tons of books...self help, buddhist zen teachings, Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now, psychology and self help books...

I was also consuming so many podcast and youtube videos on self improvement, philosophy and spirituality.

I would practice self awareness...I am always making sense of things and figuring out my self...

There were times when I thought it was working but I would go back to feeling like insecure again and it becomes a domino effect of trying so hard to prove myself which makes me look like a know it all, self righteous, full of myself kind of person and it would make me feel like crap...

I would do this cycle over and over again....I would feel bad and so I would work hard to be a good person and in the process I become more and more self centered and then I would feel disgusted with myself but little did I know that the day would come when I would feel soooo disgusted with my self due to my insecurity and I would finally see the light...

The Holy Spirit could tell I was struggling and my willingness to die to this self is getting stronger and so one day it happened...

I got led to Dr. Charles Solomon's book called "Handbook to Happiness" and my dying to self and surrendering my self to Jesus Christ and making him the center of my life  journey started.

I no longer want to operate as a normal human being.

According to John 3:3-7 "Dying to self is part of being born again; the old self dies and the new self comes to life."

I want to kill my old self..."Self" was the center of my life and why I was suffering so much!!!

I want Christ to be the center.

I do not want what I want anymore because my desires caused me suffering.

I do not want this self anymore.

I only want Christ to direct me...mold me...guide me...

I want whatever He wants for me...

Thy will be done is all I want to say...

I am new to this journey and I know I have a long way to go but I can tell you that dying to self took away a lot of my suffering....

Thank you for reading today...until the next time.

-Jennifer